Okay sure drinking sounds easy right? It’s true. but drinking like a boss? That’s serious fucking business yo. Anyone can pound ’em, but not blowing chunder all over some super important faggot’s new STOCKSUND chaise lounge after 20+ cocktails is a whole other matter.

Obviously the best thing that could happen to you right now is a bump of the yao. Nothing says sobriety like the Peruvian flake, am I right? Good luck with that! In the mean time here are a few pointers for de-alcoholizing quickly:

Stop Being so Drunk:

1. Stop what you are doing and realize that WATER is the fastest possible way to help alcohol pass through your body. When you think you’ve had enough, drink more.


2. Big Mac. Don’t ask me why but these motherfuckers destroy alcohol enzymes with extreme prejudice. I have gone from a state of uber-spins to let’s giv’er several times after a Big Mac and fries. Actually the real reason is all the sodium helps your body absorb more water.


3. Electrolytes. Gatorade works – or any of those sports drinks. That said listen up, because the best is fresh coconut water. Get yourself some asap! The electrolyte content is more than double that of traditional sports drinks with about half of the carbohydrates. This shit is sobriety meds from the jungle.

4. Shower. Preferably hot as it will help you pass the alcohol through your skin. A good 20 minute shower will calm even the most crazed alcoholic.


NUCLEAR OPTION: I’m embarrassed to say I have only deployed this option a few times in my lifetime and only when absolutely necessary. This is only appropriate when you’ve accidentally consumed several ounces of tequila, fireball, or some other terrible poison. I am of course referring to forcibly ejecting the contents of your stomach with your finger. Or maybe a fucking chopstick. And yes you’re going to need to brush your teeth after.